10. You proclaim to everyone that your dog’s progeny are the highest quality and all the top dog breeders/owners/handlers are begging for them, yet you sell your puppies in the local paper.
9. When asked if your dog has been CERFed you say that while your dog loves water you do not live close enough to the ocean to take it surfing.
8. You whine, moan and complain about the politics of dog showing yet the closest you have come to a dog show is watching Westminster on television.
7. You proclaim your Yorkshepoodle is the newest hot breed because you picked up a litter of mixed breed puppies on Craigslist for free and figure some idiot will pay a couple of bucks for them and by saying they are a cross between a small, medium and large breed dog you pretty much have all your bases covered.
6. All of your dogs are AKC Champions but you neglect to explain that AKC stands for Apple Kandy County fair and your dogs win the ugly dog contest every year.
5. You say your dogs are show dogs and go to shows regularly but fail to mention the shows you take them to are at the drive in.
4. You guarantee your dogs to be perfectly healthy and will never have any vices. You never worry about anyone coming back to you because after every litter you buy a new disposable phone, get a new kennel name and website and about the time every litter is weaned your landlord has finally completed the paperwork to have you evicted from the rental house you never paid rent on.
3. You are the know it all on every message board who has an answer for every issue and 95% of the people have blocked you and the other 5% wish they could but cannot figure out how.
2. Your dog’s claim to fame is sniffing an Australian Shepherds rear end as the security guard escorts the two of you off the show grounds.
1. All of your past ring accomplishments sound familiar to people and then they realize you are imitating the life of Harlan Pepper from “Best in Show”